Thoughts From the Center: May 2018

Recently I was playing the question game with a friend of mine and he challenged me with this question: "what are the ten most important things you've learned?"

The first thing I said is this:

Paying attention to the words someone uses is often less important than paying attention to their body language. Body language is very difficult to lie with.

To say this is a truism, a cliche. But if you pay attention to it during conversations and you learn to use your own, you will be halfway toward what people describe as charisma.

Just ask Barack Obama.

Stuff I Think Is Important: 2

March 17, 2008 at 10:12am

The thing is. I tend to get screwed in business deals. Why? Because taking great pride in being easy to please puts me in a tough spot when it comes to negotiating.

I'm just not the sort of person to fight over small details.

However, if you do want to understand business persuasion, the tactics salesmen will use on you, the tactics friends will use to manipulate you, the tactics your parents have been using on your your entire life, you will be amazed when you read Robert Cialdini's work.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Cialdini

When you read him, it will sound obvious, but if you try to use a few of these things, you will realize that these principles are subconscious. They influence people far, far more than they know.

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Stuff I Think Is Important: 3

March 18, 2008 at 2:24pm

Ok. The first two things covered body language and common persuasion tactics. So I think I'll give a little bit of background about my overall thought process.

I used to be very, very interested in this question, "how do you convince someone to do what needs to be done?"

As a teacher, the relevance of this is obvious. In everyday life, perhaps it is less so. However, just today I learned of a good friend who is messing around with this shallow bitch that he supposedly has stopped talking to. This friend has a chronic problem: he puts sex with questionable women above other commitments in his life. The world is full of selfish, unreasonable people like that. So how do you deal with them?

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything that you can do to reason with a guy like that. However, some skilled therapists disagree.

Here are some of the tactics they use to try to break through verbal defenses with their patients. These verbal defenses are always related to some irrational or dangerous behavior.

These verbal tricks to distract the subject and change the topic, sometimes help people get out of their mental habits. These are tools for trying to change irrational beliefs.

What Cialdini is to business, Sleight of Mouth is to conversational therapy.

So I give you, Sleight of Mouth. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleight_of_mouth

As always, reading it is of little use in itself. Practice will reveal results. I find it incredibly effective with my grandparents and parents. Just look at the examples!

STUFF I THINK IS IMPORTANT 4

I have this friend who is a nice guy on some levels.

However, he is a total lunatic. He is an ok guitar player (a 3-4 on a 1-10 scale) and a poor singer (2-3 on a 1-10 scale).

He would tell you that he is really close to being able to go out and play shows around town for cash. He thinks he is a good singer and a good guitar player. He is sadly, hilariously, wrong.

This stupid belief leads him to hardly practice his guitar playing. When he does practice, he is always "performing," playing a song from start to finish, never doing the work of practicing one lick over and over until he gets it right.

This means that he often partially screws up parts of songs while playing. Of course, he doesn't think the audience minds, but they do.

And he will not play a show and get the audience to clap anytime soon.

He is an example of a cognitive bias. They are common. They are real. And they are probably, some of the biggest reasons you made crappy decisions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases

(These biases and limiting beliefs are just the sort of things meant to be addressed by Sleight of Mouth. However, I'm not up to the challenge is this case. When I deal with unreasonable people, I get frustrated, and Sleight of Mouth only works when you maintain an inner calm.)

Comment

Jason Perry

Comments

Jeff Cook I am aghast at this post. I need to point out that I've got similar flaws! When we enjoy what we are doing, it is easy to call that "good." Ten years later I still battle this mindset. Ten years later I feel like I want to slap the snark out of the 2008 Jeff Cook's mouth.

Stuff I Think is Important: 5

March 22, 2008 at 10:18am

To recap the first four. I've brought up a few basic tools for communicating with difficult people.

1. Body Language
2. Cialdini's Six Weapons of Influence
3. Sleight of Mouth
4. Cognitive Biases

When I first wrote a bit about body language, I wrote it because I was struck by the fact that people often wildly undercut their meaning.

For instance, tutors who sit hunched over a book are sending a message to students that says, "I am busy. Do not bother me."

For instance, a speaker who shifts his position and gestures frequently while speaking, distracts from the meaning of his words. The information from the body gets processed while the words get less attention.

There are lots of general lessons that can be taken from a study of body language. Particularly when trying to deal with an authory figure or to project authority.

Now I'll go a step further and explain a specific technique that's hard to do.

If there is anyone is your life that is difficult to communicate with, trying mirroring them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirroring_(psychology)

This is a difficult trick to do because it requires an insane amount of attention to carry on a full speed conversation and do this at once.

However, mirroring works. When a conversation is in sync, both members of the conversation notice. It is a pleasent background feeling of mutual understanding.

In my life, I try to do this consciously when I'm in one on one conversations with students. And I notice it often happens effortlessly around people I get along with.

If you actually want to try to help anyone with a limiting belief or a cognitive bias, you'd be insane not to try this as a first step.

If you need someone to hear what you are saying, and get it, this is clearly the first step.

Stuff I Think Is Important 6- Hypnosis Works

March 25, 2008 at 1:19pm

Hypnosis works. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnosis

Well. To be precise, it works for some things and it works very well. I view hypnosis as a simple technique for entering altered states of consciousness. I think hypnotists are people that have learned to gain enough trust and relaxation from others that the others let them guide them into an altered state of consciousness.

I have seen this work in person a number of times. Most spectacularly, I saw a performance of a stage hypnotist named J Medicine Hat that was dynamite.

After that show, I decided to do my research. Here are the facts. People tried to brush off hypnosis as a myth for a long time. Everyone knew that some people like yogis could meditate until they felt no pain, etc, but almost noone credible could demonstrate an ability to bring others into altered states like that.

Then Milton Erickson arrived. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton_Erickson Whatever else can be said about it, this guy got amazing results very quickly. Then psychiatry had to take it seriously, and they still do.

Some people are clearly more hypnotizable and some people are better at inducing hypnosis than others. Some people use it for things it has been proven effective for and some people do not. I make no claim that it really can control people, and I would be incredibly embarrassed to try to put someone else in a trance. However….

I use it on myself regularly when I exercise. Quite simply, I use a mental procedure to cause my mind not to notice the fatigue of my body. This works only for cardio workouts like bike rides or running. Just as pain can be reduced/ ignored using hypnosis, so can general muscle fatigue. For me, running is an out of body experience, and so are many repetitive chores that I don’t intrinsically enjoy.

It’s a tool with limited uses, but it’s a tool that I’m glad I found out about.

Stuff I Think is Important: 7 (A little back story)

March 28, 2008 at 12:24pm

As far as psychology and recorded history are concerned, there is a whole lot of dispute.

One thing that isn't in dispute is human learning.

There are various predictable stages that human beings go through when learning a task.

These stages go from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence, then from conscious incompetence to conscious competence.

And after that, some experts get to the level of unconcsious competence.

This is the source of the cliche, ignorence is bliss. Over and over, people start out unaware of their lack of skill in a particular endeavor. Then something happens to them, they realize it, and they become depressed.

In fourth grade, it happened to me. At the time, I was busily kicking ass in school and making it very obvious to anyone who cared to look that I wanted to be the smartest kid in school. (I read the Hobbit in first grade while my classmates were reading the Berenstein bears.)

Then I was called into another teacher's class unexpectedly.

It seems that the teacher said the phrase, "noone knows everything, " and someone called out from the back, "I think Jeff Cook does!"

So I was called into the room and asked a number of simple trivia questions, and that day I realized that I had terrible social skills.

I went from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence that day. I decided, then and there, that I needed to work harder than other people in order to relate, to make friends, and communicate.

Of course, my plan was a miserable failure. At the time, my best idea was to become a people pleaser rather than a smug brainiac.

However, years later, I think I've learned a few things. That's the basic theme of what I'm typing here.

That's why I find this stuff important.

Stuff I Think Is Important: 8

March 29, 2008 at 12:47pm

There are only a few ways that human beings learn things.

As a part of natural human growth and development. – These things happen within a critical time period. Walking, Talking, Sitting Up. These things also involve certain psychological milestones like the things Erich From talks about. In a certain sense, many personality traits are learned in this way.

As the unconscious result of repeated activity – Over time, a person will usually improve at any task they perform repeatedly. At first, new bartenders are clumsy at their job. After a few months, their motions are smooth and efficient, (more poetic by far than any flashy Cocktail style trick if you ask me.)

This type of learning requires two things. It happens when a person receives feedback and the person does not ignore that feedback. In the case of the bartender, the feedback is either complaints from customers, or, more likely, the realization that the faster he or she makes drinks, the more money the bartender will take home.

This kind of learning isn’t noticed typically. Some other examples would include becoming a better driver, a better listener, a better conversationalist, a better kisser, a better cook. Since the changes are small and take place over time, the person often realizes they have gotten better when someone tells them.

But Jeff,

You’re thinking, “many people never become a better driver, a better listener…”

That’s true. It’s easy to ignore feedback.

Ignoring the feedback usually takes one of three forms.

1.Discredit the messenger. - If someone tells you you’re a bad kisser, and you say, “maybe you’re the bad kisser!” back, you just discredited the messenger. If your family tells you that you’re lasagna recipe sucks, and you think, “they have terrible taste in food,” and then you keep the same lasagna recipe, you just discredited the messenger.

(I apologize for the completely unintended similarity of the last two sentences to Jeff Foxworthy’s You Might Be a Redneck Jokes. It was an accident. Those responsible have been waterboarded.)

2.Being actually unaware.- Daydreamers of the world. I am looking in your direction. Driving, Listening, Conversation. These are three that require attention to notice the feedback that is there. Cooking requires it too come to think of it. Zen monks talk about mindful eating for a reason.
3.Changing the subject.

The other two methods of human learning are conscious/deliberate learning, and imprinting. Of those two, imprinting is clearly the most fun, and I’m not just saying that because it has more to do with sex.

Imprinting isn’t just about sex. Imprinting is also about religion, about ancient taboos and modern brainwashing techniques. I think that imprinting is what keeps most therapists in business.

Imprinting is the reason I won’t eat mushrooms on my pizza anymore.

But more on that later. I’ve got to go for now.

Stuff I Think Is Important 9- Imprinting (1)

April 1, 2008 at 11:37am

Once when I was in college, I developed a crush on a girl in about 10 minutes.

Here's how it happened. I was in a Spanish class with a girl named Gwen. She was cute, but she sat across the room from me, so I never talked to her.

However, one day I happened to arrive at class about 10 minutes early. When I sat down on the floor outside the class door, Gwen arrived and promptly sat down next to me.

For the next ten minutes, we talked about something I can't remember at all. I remember having a great time talking to her, but little else.

Our classmates arrived. Our teacher did her thing; then we left.

Until that night, everything was normal. I was hanging out at a frat party on my campus, rather intoxicated, and then I saw her.

I felt surprised to see her out at a frat party, but I thought little else of it until I felt a tap on my shoulder later that night.

"JEFF!" Gwen practically shouted. "I think you ROCK." And then she lept into my arms and kissed me for about thirty seconds.

My head was spinning. I had no idea what was going on, but the next thing I knew, the kiss stopped, and she looked me in the eye.

"Have a great nght," she said. "That was a good kiss."

Then she walked away, and I couldn't help thinking about her for days.

This is an example of imprinting. There are more to come.

Stuff I Think is Important: 10 - Imprinting (2)

April 3, 2008 at 9:22am

I hate mushrooms.

By that I'm not referring to the psychedelic kind or the poisonous kind. Those I simply avoid.

I'm talking about the kind that hides under the sauce in my pasta, the kind that masquerades as a sandwich in upscale delis.

I'm talking about the kind that lurks under the cheese on a pizza.

I'm talking about that specifically. A pizza almost killed me once.

You see, I make bad decisions when I'm intoxicated, and one of these decisions during college involved eating a mushroom pizza that had been in the fridge way too long.

Three hours later. I learned of my mistake, but I was more concerned with getting in trouble for drinking than I was for my own health.

Bad move, I spent the next 6 hours laying on the floor of a bathroom, periodically rising to dry heave, lucky to have suffered nothing worse.

Now I'm sure you're wondering...
Why is this anything more than a story of Jeff being stupid? What does this have to do with imprinting?

Simple. If I try to chew any type of mushroom and that taste hits my tongue, I immediately begin to gag and dry heave again. I mean literal gagging with tears in my eyes.

If the flavor is disguised, I'm fine. But my body has never forgotten that pizza I ate over ten years ago. (My friend Todd had a similar experience with clan McGregor whiskey. He can't even sip the stuff without becoming ill.)

This is imprinting. This is one of many examples where a single powerful experience changes the way your mind organizes its perceptions forever.

Now for those of you who are spiritually minded, I invite you to think about this.

The thing that Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, and Moses all seem to have in common is that they weren't always miraculous people.

(There is good reason to believe this is true of Jesus. However, please forgive me if that offends.)

One day, these four were relatively normal people, then something happened to them, and they were transformed. They became people so unusual, so different than those around them that they changed the course of the world.

The poor son of a carpenter, an illiterate, a spoiled prince, and a shepard had something happen to them and they became four of the most amazing people in recorded history. Think about that.

I think it was imprinting.

I wan't to say even more, but I've gone on too long already.

Stuff I Think is Important: 11 - The Halo Effect

April 4, 2008 at 9:20am

In about thirty minutes I'm going to the gym to lift weights and do other painful things to my body.

Why?

It's called the halo effect. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halo_effect

And it is one of the most depressing things I've ever learned in a psychology class.

Basically, one positive trait about a person (especially the one noticed first) causes people to irrationally upgrade their evaluations of the person's other traits.

Basically, well dressed and attractive people are thought to be better at things than they really are. (This works for other positive things too, but the beauty bias is the one that freaks me out.)

Here's some info from the research. (I got it from the Complete Idiots Guide to Body Language)

But the halo effect extends way beyond physical beauty. We tend to think that sports superstars actually know the tastiest beer or the coolest cars. We believe that Hollywood movie stars can help us select the best political candidates or mobile phone plans. The scariest thing about the halo effect is how mindless it is. It biases all of us, but we aren’t aware of the illogic of our responses.
Lots of body language operates the same way. It is natural to like warm, friendly people, but because of the halo effect, friendly, attractive, or socially skilled people get the job because the boss can’t tell real warmth or attractiveness from competence. –p.33

Even in the lowest elementary school years, teachers believe that handsome, clean and neatly dressed students are smarter than their less attractive classmates. –p.52 (ACK!!!!! Son of a bitch.)

We believe that pretty people have nicer personalities even though there is no research that suggests that personality and looks are meaningfully correlated. –p.52

Researchers have shown that, even controlling for other factors, good-looking defendants were less likely to be convicted than their unattractive counterparts. . . . Even when they are convicted, sentences tent to be lighter for more attractive, better-dressed defendants. –p.53

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So given this fact about psychology, it's tempting to bitch, but I hate that kind of response. My impulse is to use this to my advantage as much as I can.

So I'm off to the gym. And this weekend, I'm revamping my wardrobe.

Wish me luck.

Stuff I Think is Important: 12 More From Body Language Research

April 7, 2008 at 10:06am

So, I began this little tour of ideas that have changed my life with a short discussion of body language.

But I'm not sure I gave enough detail to do it justice.

Think about body language like this. Oral language has been around for about 10,000 years, give or take. It is unique to the human species.

Body language, however, is the primary way that animals communicate. It has millions of years of evolutionary history behind it. It is hard wired into our brains, but almost completely absent from our consciousness. We note the effects of body language, not the body language itself.

It human beings, body language basically breaks down into a bunch of sub catagories. It includes, eye contact, touch (or lack of touch), arm position, hand position, leg positions, spacial relationships, and emblematic gestures.

In my last post, I wrote about the halo effect, focusing on the beauty bias. I focused on the beauty bias because I'm not beautiful, and it therefore pisses me off. (I am somewhere in the middle of the beauty scale)

Here's the good news. The halo effect works almost as well for a person with warm and powerful body language as it does for beautiful people.

So, my suggestion is this, take some time to master body language. It will take lots(!!!) of work, and it will change your life.

Oh, and one more suggestion, if you are ever in the presence of an attractive person who has mastered body language, RUN AWAY.

Seriously. Run.

Here are some helpful links, some more scientific than others.
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/10/27/18-ways-to-improve-your-body-language/
http://hbswk.hbs.edu/archive/3123.html
http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/body_language/body_language.htm#Control
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_language

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Stuff I Think Is Important: Lovability

January 6, 2009 at 11:50am

If God loves everything unconditionally, it is at least worth wondering why.

I can think of at least two or three options.
1. A bunch of things aren't lovable, but God's super-powers allow God to love em anyway.
2. Everything is lovable in some sense. God is just the only being that can ALWAYS see it.
3. God is so in love with his creations that he can't see them objectively. He's like an artist who can't tell if his own work is any good because he loves it.

It seems fairly obvious to me that number two is the only reasonable option. It even fits with our real world experience.

Think about it. Every day we run into other human beings who love things that puzzle us. Mothers love their children, even when the children seem awful. Women fall in love with terrible men who ignore and abuse them. Men fall in love with women so shallow that they go broke trying to keep them happy.

And it even works for smaller things. Why would someone become a proctologist? A stamp collector? A fan of women's basketball?

It seems to me that the answer is that they can see something in those things that others cannot.

It is tempting to call these people strange. It would be so easy to say they are delusional or not really in love. But why is it tempting?

Because if everything and everyone is indeed lovable, it is our fault when we can't appreciate something. And furthermore, appreciating it takes time and practice.

(It's like the character in Mallrats who can't see the 3d sailboat in the magic eye picture. )

Think about that the next time you try something new (or someone).

Comment

Comments

Becky Malone Hutzel Kind of been my feeling about life all along. Seems everyone and everthing has a reason to be here. I make my best attempt to try to find out why. Most times I am find my time was well spent.

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Jennifer Broge wow - a kevin smith reference! - careful Jeff or i might just begin to proclaim your genius!!!

while I don't disagree with #2 I think there is more truth in #3 than you realize. I think God is so in love with us he can't even begin to fathom that some...See More

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Amelia Fulbright I like it! But what you do have against women's basketball?

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Kurt Johansen Well, if the old testament has any truth to it then it's definitely not #3. I'd have to go with the Buddhists and say it's #2 for sure.

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Rebecca Bassett Maxwell Jeff, you always have the most interesting conversation starters. I think I need to go to Friday's and have a Diet Coke to think this one over. I love the comments. I think 2 and 3 are pretty good... I am glad that God loves me the way that I am and th...See More

Stuff I Think is Important: 12 More From Body Language Research

April 7, 2008 at 10:06am

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Stuff I Think is Important: 1- drafts

Jeff Cook

Jeff Cook

Stuff I Think Is Important: 2

Stuff I Think Is Important: 3

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Stuff I Think is Important: 5

Stuff I Think Is Important 6- Hypnosis Works

Stuff I Think is Important: 7 (A little back story)

Stuff I Think Is Important: 8

Stuff I Think Is Important 9- Imprinting (1)

Stuff I Think is Important: 10 - Imprinting (2)

Stuff I Think is Important: 11 - The Halo Effect

Stuff I Think is Important: 12 More From Body Language Research

Stuff I Think Is Important: Lovability

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Stuff I Think is Important: 12 More From Body Language Research

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